Tales From The Crib: Rachel

Rachel hails from Montreal and moved to Sydney, Australia, eight years ago, to pursue her career in youth health promotion. There, she met her Vegemite-loving husband and, one year ago, gave birth to their first child, Phoebe. Enjoying an extended maternity leave, Rachel and her family have been spending time with family and friends in Canada.

WPC: What have been your biggest challenges since becoming a parent?

Rachel: A year ago, I became a mother without my mom around. I had lost her to cancer four years prior to having Phoebe. While pregnant, I felt a measure of sadness for my daughter, as she would never know my mom. Though she would never understand the magnitude of the loss, I was aware that she would miss out on one of the great pearls of life – a maternal grandmother.

And, while I knew it would be harder to have kids and celebrate life milestones without my mom, I hadn’t anticipated just how difficult this new phase of grief would be. I found myself longing for a strong, older, female figure whom I could trust to hold my hand and lead the way, guiding me with her lived experience and wisdom. Motherhood was the biggest responsibility that I had taken on to date, and I didn’t have my number one cheerleader - the person who had always been there to support me, say the right thing and know when all I needed was her hug. My mom’s absence was palpable and I experienced a range of emotions – everything from jealousy to sorrow.

The early days of trying to figure out how to mother were especially tricky. I wanted a road map and what better place to find one than your own mom? No matter how many magazines or parenting books I read, they could never answer the very specific and personal questions I had about her own journey through new motherhood and how I was at my daughter’s age. Did she have trouble breastfeeding? For how long did she do it? Did she ever get mastitis? Did I have reflux as a baby and only sleep on her? How did she keep me alive?

I instantly regretted not asking all of these questions when I had the chance. There was a new void that couldn’t be filled. I spent many sleepless nights yearning to call my mom and to ask about her experience raising my siblings and I. Of course, my husband was an amazing support throughout all this time; doing all the washing, cooking, laundry and dog walking, so that I could rest at any moment that Phoebe wasn’t on me. My dad was also wonderful, as he flew to Australia for the birth and was there to hold Phoebe any chance he could get. Nevertheless, I felt that only a mother could remember the kind of detail I craved and provide me with the emotional support that I needed.

It is definitely hard having my mom miss out on our family’s special moments. But, even though she isn’t here physically, I feel her presence in the things that she taught me, in the way that I carry myself, in my instincts and in my capabilities – many of which, I am now realizing, came from her.

WPC: What have you found helpful to address these challenges?

Rachel: Giving birth to a child in a country that wasn’t my own, without my support system nearby, definitely presented its challenges. For the first seven weeks of her life, my daughter experienced significant sleep troubles; she would only go down for a maximum of twenty minutes at a time in her crib and, otherwise, would only sleep while breastfeeding or being walked in a baby carrier.

Understandably, I was exhausted and struggling to breastfeed 24/7 and, despite being the best partner, my husband was getting tired of spending countless hours carrying our daughter around the neighbourhood. Luckily, there were a couple of government-funded programs in Sydney that made a hugely positive impact on our health and wellbeing during those early weeks and months.

Our local maternal and child health nurse referred us to a residential early parenting program. It was a four-night, five-day inpatient service for families experiencing significant parenting challenges. A multi-disciplinary team composed of a general practitioner, nurses, a social worker and a paediatrician worked in partnership with us, providing strategies to help resolve our sleep, settling and feeding issues, as well as building our confidence as new parents. Medicare covered this incredible service and we didn’t have to pay anything out of pocket.

Moreover, within the first week of Phoebe being born, our hospital assigned me to a mothers’ group in my neighbourhood. These groups are held in local Early Childhood Health Centres around Australia and exist to help new moms transition into life with a newborn. Besides meeting other nearby moms of babies of the same age, new mothers receive expert information and guidance on caring for their new baby and are offered classes on a variety of topics, such as breastfeeding. It’s exactly like the Sydney-based show The Letdown, on Netflix, which is centred on a mother’s group and its members. It’s hilarious, relatable and real. Too real.

Admittedly, I was hesitant to attend the first meeting – having just birthed a baby, the last thing that I wanted to do was sit in a room with a bunch of strangers. I assumed that the women would be judgmental and competitive, and who really needs more friends when you can barely maintain a text conversation with your current ones? I couldn’t have been more wrong.

While the first few meetings were hosted by a maternal and child health nurse, our group of seven women (and babies) soon headed off on our own to continue our weekly get-togethers at a local café, the park or library. These women provided the support and friendship I didn’t know that I needed during one of the most challenging times of my life. Without my own mother to lean on, and in a foreign country, I instantly had this community of women – all working professionals, in our thirties, living within a five-block radius of each other – and we were sharing this special experience together. We all still keep in touch, despite my now being 16,000 kilometres away.

WPC: If you could go back in time, what would you tell your pregnant self?

Rachel: I would tell myself to not be scared of loving and opening my heart. It took me a while to feel that I was ready to get married and have kids. I think it had something to do with having already experienced a recent and significant loss and that saying, “The more you care, the more there is to lose.” I had a wall up and it was difficult to allow myself to become vulnerable once again.

As soon as Phoebe was born, I held her in my arms and felt the strongest desire to keep her safe and protected. However – and it’s tough to admit this – loving her, fully and freely, didn’t come instantly. The truth is, I initially had a hard time caring for her, without also thinking of losing her. Or, even yet, her losing me. I felt such pressure in being someone’s mom, especially after knowing what a huge void I felt after losing my own. How could I carry such a huge responsibility for someone else? I was also worried for her to love and need me so much, because I wasn’t going to be around forever. Maybe these are the distinctive thoughts of people who’ve experienced grief and loss? I’m not sure.

As Phoebe has grown and flourished, I’ve gained confidence in myself and feel more comfortable in my new role. I not only feel enormous love and admiration for my daughter, but I truly enjoy her company and just want to get to know her more and more. I had no idea that I was capable of loving anyone like this before her arrival. My heart is completely peeled open to her and I am so grateful.

WPC: If you could, what is one thing you’d change about parenthood in our culture?

Rachel: Navigating the existing health care system as an expectant or new parent is daunting. For some, this may be their first ongoing experience and treatment within the health system. However, for me, this was a system that I knew and trusted; I had been employed in it for nearly ten years and, in my current profession of health promotion, I work to enhance the health of communities, in part by improving health literacy and access to health services.

Yet, when it came my time to use these services, I saw them through the eyes of a vulnerable client. This was especially so postpartum; having to care for a newborn whilst being completely sleep-deprived, I found it quite difficult to maneuver through all the conflicting medical advice and prescriptions, as well as to face unexpected criticism and judgment. I encountered rushed service from professionals and support staff alike, and I would be made to feel as though my knowledge and voice did not matter.

If I could, I would change the experience of expectant and new parents within our health system to one that is more supportive and empowering for them. Beyond the mental and physical taxes of pregnancy, labour and childcare, there are also all the personal experiences, life circumstances and emotional responses that a woman brings to her experience of parenthood as it intersects with health care service delivery.

Notwithstanding a great respect for their medical expertise, I would love for service providers to be better listeners, more open-minded and sensitized to their clients, and thus better able to appreciate that each client is a person with unique feelings and needs.

I would also love parents to be made to feel more confident in the value of their knowledge and in the trusting of their gut, as well as in asking all of the questions and saying all of the things that they may be thinking during their (gasp!) 15-minute appointment. I have come to realize that I am the number one caregiver and advocate for myself as well as my daughter. As such, my knowledge, engagement, agency and accountability are of overwhelming importance in ensuring our best care possible.

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Thank you so much to Rachel who shared so openly and beautifully. We know that her words will be a comfort especially to other parents who have lost parents. What a wonderful last Tales From The Crib of 2019. We look forward to sharing more inspiring stories in 2020!

Facing parenting challenges or dealing with grief as a new parent? Explore our parenting support services for guidance and community. For deeper emotional support, consider our psychotherapy services, tailored to help you navigate complex feelings and enhance your parenting journey.