Tales From The Crib: Ben
My Name is Ben Galang. I am 42 years old and I have been married for 13 years. I am currently a stay at home dad to two daughters Eleanor and Lauren aged 11 and 6. I was born in the Philippines and was the youngest of 3 boys. At the age of 11 my parents immigrated to Canada to provide us a better life. I had a good childhood with parents that were hard-working, very caring, and nurtured us to the best of their abilities. From my recollection I was a good kid, I listened to my parents, did what they asked me to do, and if I did not, I was disciplined the old fashioned way. Back home, even the teachers have permission (from my parents) to be disciplined. Whether it be a slap on the hand with a ruler or standing in the corner of the classroom to even having a masking tape over my mouth if I was too chatty. Growing up, spanking was an acceptable form of discipline.
Being the youngest of three, I learned a lot from my brother’s mistakes. They got disciplined a lot! I was cautious and didn’t take a lot of risks that could get me in trouble. On the other hand, I probably missed out on a lot of life experiences because I didn't take risks. My parents discouraged us from taking a lot of risks because it would either be “too” dangerous (in their eyes) or I could get hurt either physically or emotionally. So I led a safe, sheltered, life ... until I met my wife. Then I became the rebel. She opened my eyes to different experiences and things that I have been missing this whole time. Such as traveling, exploring, taking risks, heck even eating sushi. The rest was history. She was brought up differently than I. For starters, her parents worked long shifts and often one after the other. With only one parent minding her and her younger brother. This gave her more freedom and the ability to be more independent. By grade six she was already cooking meals at home, taking care of the family and her younger brother. She went to high school downtown and would often commute on her own. Eventually, her parents divorced and her brother and she lived separately with each parent.
By the time we met in University, she had already traveled to different cities, even different continents. After six years of dating, we met we finally got married and within a year and a half, we were pregnant with our first child, Eleanor. 5 years after Eleanor we had Lauren.
I have been working for a large bank for the last 13 years in the IT department doing Quality Assurance Software Testing. 2 years ago I was laid off due to my group being downsized and I have been a stay home dad since. At first, I thought finding a job would be easy. Boy, I was wrong. What made things even more difficult is the fact that I was shifting in my mindset. Do I want to keep doing what I have been doing for the last 13 years or do something else? This is my opportunity to start fresh and do something different. Let's just say I am still trying to figure this one out. I started different ventures here and there to make ends meet and for a while, it was making me happy being my own boss. However, these things are more of a “side job” to supplement an actual full-time job. Or it would require significant investment to fully commit to making a living out of these ventures but it is a risk. Something I am not very good at. For now am here to answer 4 questions.
1) The Well Parents Centre (WPC): What have been your biggest challenges since becoming a parent?
Ben: Being a parent is a constant challenge it all comes in stages. If I am to answer all of these this article would be way too long. My kids are now in Grade 6 and Grade 1 so I will have to summarize from what I can remember. One of the biggest challenges was sleep. This really depends on the child. My eldest was difficult, to say the least. She doesn't like to be alone and was a light sleeper even when she was a baby. Sleep is still a challenge for her now at age 11. My wife ended up co-sleeping until she was old enough to go to daycare. I was not for this but in the end, the need for sleep trumps all reason. My youngest was a totally different story. She loves to sleep and all she needed was a few books before bed and she is good until morning. Thank God for that!
The other challenge is patience. Kids can really test your patience. I think every parent will have their patience tested. If I was to create a line graph where X-axis is Patience and Y-axis is Time. You can see the correlation between the two; the less time you have less patience and so on. As parents, we are constantly short on time. Between the day to day grind, commuting, and school/kids activities there is very little time and thus little patience also. Which is a recipe for disaster in the long run. With less patience, you are more liable to have a shorter fuse, temper, and inconsistency which segway to my third challenge.
Discipline/consistency - By the time you become a parent you would think that you would already have your together, they’re settled, possibly a career already locked down. Capable of taking care of children and can put your needs behind theirs. You are a perfect role model, right? Well, I thought I was. Boy was I wrong. Do you know who proved me wrong? It is easy to spot because your kids magnify these things. All your bad habits, they seem to pick up. If you are not organized, they won’t be either. If you are not consistent with sleep, they won’t be either. If you are lazy and don’t do what is required of you to run your household, they will be lazy too. If you have anger issues, they will too.
Digital/Social media, electronic devices. Yes, this is definitely a challenge these days. The iPad/phone is a very addictive tool Even for us adults it is very hard to put it down and away sometimes. Between texting, food pics, Youtube, Netflix, and Facebook there’s just so much distraction with these devices. Imagine what it is like for kids! You can clearly see their attitude change when they’re on their devices vs without. They are like two different people. They are less co-operative and present when they are on their tablets. When they are not on their devices they are easily bored and create more messes around the house.
2) WPC: What have you found helpful to address these challenges?
Ben: Sleep is still a challenge for me because I am a night owl. With my oldest child consistency with sleep time is very important so we try to do our best each night to have a sleep schedule and to stick with it. Things have gotten a bit easier in this department as they get older. We no longer have to wait for hours for her to sleep. Nowadays we just tuck them in do our routine and she's off to bed. We recently shifted the girls' bedrooms because, in the past, my eldest daughter had a smaller room and my youngest one had the larger room because we had change tables, a gliding chair, etc. We needed more space. Now that they are older they negotiated a swap. My eldest wanted the bigger room, my youngest wanted a smaller room and we gave them the choice to personalize their room as they like. They had a say in the layout, the colour and decor and they were more comfortable with this arrangement. I believe this was a huge move for all of us. One for the better since then. My eldest has consistently slept in her own room and getting a better quality of sleep. My youngest is also doing well since she is no longer co-sleeping with her sister. (Did I mention my eldest does not like sleeping alone?) Sleep has gotten a lot better for everyone. Hallelujah!
Patience, Discipline, and Consistency - I would have to say that this is still a work in progress. This is not something you can easily fix and it takes time to develop. There have been changes in our lives that have helped. Now that I am a stay at home dad (for now) I have had more time to spend with the kids and I truly cherish these moments, especially when I feel like I am able to teach them something. As I was thinking about these questions I even thought of focusing on certain life skills we would like to impart to our kids. Things that I am lacking and we find challenging as adults. Things like being more organized, meal planning, better time management, how to clean things properly around the house, being more involved with chores. Things that would make their lives easier in the future.
My wife recently switched companies where she is less than 30 mins away from home and no longer commuting downtown was also great. She has more time to spend with the kids and that gives me some much-needed break. It can be a handful some days. There are tools out there that can help be more consistent and I find some tools like the point system works well for the kids. There’s a tool that schools use called Class Dojo where they gain points for doing good things and have points removed for negative behaviour. My eldest seems to really respond well to this. The key is to keep consistent and to be fair. As for the bad habits that they pick up from you, the best thing to deal with these is to avoid them yourself. Once you have identified the behaviour you do not want your kids to mimic change them yourself. You have to be a role model and the longer you wait to address it, the harder it will be for you to correct. This is definitely a huge challenge. We are not all perfect human beings, just hope that your partner can pick up some of that slack by not having the same flaws as you.
Digital Media/Social media & Electronics - You can use these to your advantage. In the end, you are the parent and you have to be on top of these things. I limit the usage and in order for them to have more time with the tablet, they need to complete their homework and other responsibilities before they can use it and only at certain times. As a parent you are responsible for laying down the law for these devices. I try to be consistent with them but it is not always easy as I have other responsibilities around the house. Lately, I have been involving the kids with meal prep for dinner as well as their lunches for the next day. It keeps them busy and we bond. Win-win. As much as possible I keep the usage down to 1-2 hrs a day. This includes TV time. Be consistent.
3) WPC: If you could go back in time, what would you tell your kid self?
Ben: 1. Be patient! Be consistent and be disciplined. Learn these skills asap!
2. Take risks and do not be afraid of failure.
3. Love yourself and be kind to others.
4. Remember when your parents told you when you are being naughty? That one day when you have children they will be naughtier than you? There is some truth to this. I didn’t believe them at first but now that I am a parent I totally agree.
5. Appreciate your parents more, now that you are in their shoe, you can really see how hard it was for them to raise you. RESPECT.
4) WPC: If you could, what is one thing you’d change about parenthood in our culture?
Ben: Wow just one thing? Treat your kids with respect, listen to their thoughts and feelings and let them express themselves without dismissing them or telling them to stop whining. Really pay attention and be present and try to work things out if you can. If it is not something you can fix, just listen and let them vent.
