Solid Advice From Social Worker and Mom of Three - Michelle Lavergne
As I reflect back on this parenting gig, now that my kids are 16, 13 and 9, I realize I have more experience under my belt, but I’m still not confident with how I’m parenting 100% of the time. But I wonder, should I be? Here is what I’ve learned so far in my parenting journey, and I hope it helps someone else with theirs.
Working with each impermanent stage
Every age and stage comes with its own unique quirks, joys and challenges. Just like each child comes with their own unique temperament and needs. And at each age, our family is going through a different life stage. For example, when my kids were younger, we had a ton of help from grandparents. We were turning down offers to babysit. But now that they are older, our parents are that much older too, and less able to help. Bottom line, nothing stays stagnant, things are always changing – kids’ growth and development ensures that things never stay the same for very long. When I work with parents, we often try and balance this reality. The good news is, things will change. The bad news is, things will change. Depending how you’re experiencing the current age and stage, this reality may bring you happiness or grief.
When the kids were younger, I used to find myself saying “I can’t WAIT until they are older and they can…tell me what they want, fall asleep without me, or bathe themselves. I often found myself looking to the future as some better version of the parenting experience. But the longer you parent, you begin to realize that each age and stage has its pros and its cons. And none seems ‘easier’ or ‘smoother’ than another. So while my older kids demand less of me physically, can put themselves to bed, and can slather on their own sunscreen in the summer, their social/emotional needs have intensified since we hit the tween, pre-teen and teen years. And the stakes are higher now! I’m no longer worried about them eating their vegetables, I’m worried that they will try vaping!
The point is, and this is sage advice for anyone, believing that the future will somehow be better or easier is not necessarily true and often is time missed in the present moment. While it’s ok to acknowledge and validate for yourself that the current stage you are in is hard, it’s important not to get caught in the trap of believing that when X happens, then Y will be solved. You never really get to cross the finish line in parenting.
Embracing imperfection
Let go of perfection when it comes to accepting help from others. Whether it’s from your partner (I hear from a lot of men in couples counselling who feel at a loss because everything they try and do around the house is criticized or gets re-done!), or your mother, your nanny or even your five year old – LET GO OF THE PERFECT STANDARD!
If you daughter wants to dress herself and the outfit is mismatched – LET IT GO. If your partner loads the dishwasher in a way that you wouldn’t do it – LET IT GO. If your mother in law offers to watch your kids while you go out for date night, but she feeds them greasy pizza and milkshakes – LET IT GO! No harm has ever come to a child by eating pizza, or from a disorganized dishwasher or an uncoordinated outfit! But when we focus on these things, when we criticize them or re-do them, we are showing the loved ones in our lives a number of things.
We are teaching them that perfection is the only desired outcome. For our children, this is a really dangerous message and can be a contributor to increased worry and anxiety in children. It also sends the message that there is only one valid or correct way to do things, and that is OUR WAY! Even though we may only have been at this motherhood things for a year or two, we convince ourselves that we have the lock down on it and what it should like. For our partners, or mothers or mothers-in-law, this sets up a very difficult dynamic where others feel afraid to offer help for fear of not doing it correctly. At the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves ‘to what end?’ Are my perfectionistic standards worth the erosion of my partner’s confidence raising our kids? Are they worth it when we never get a night out alone because others don’t care for our children exactly the way we would want? Are they worth your child feeling that they aren’t capable of dressing themselves? Above all, I encourage my parent clients to put the focus on relationship. That this is the building block of healthy family life. Not your perfect home or your child’s perfect outfit.
Remember, you can’t do it alone, so don’t even try! And what I mean by that is that we all need a village. We all need help. We have near impossible standards of family life that mean both parents need to work full time, keep a pristine home, provide healthy homemade meals, exercise, attend to children’s extra-curricular needs, and maintain social lives separate and apart. I am no mathematician, but I’m sure the hours needed to do all this surpass the hours in a given week! So what do you do? Ask for and be open to receiving help.
Being intentional with money and time
If it is an option for you, families can often benefit from “outsourcing”. [4] Relatively small amounts of money can make a big impact on a mom or a family that is stretched beyond their limits. I encourage you to be intentional in your choices. When I had my third child, I struggled with the isolation and difficulty getting out of the house regularly with a newborn in the winter. I paid a young college student to come to the house twice a week to stay with the baby while I went for groceries, the gym or just to sit by myself in a coffee shop and read. The two older kids came through the door at 3:30 and then I was ‘on deck’ for the rest of the night, so those few hours to myself were lifesaving. If you think paying for help is too expensive, consider where else you could cut from in the budget? Could you pack your own lunch daily and save enough to have a housecleaner once a month? Think about what is most important to you and find ways to make your daily living more enjoyable!
What is the secret to managing the parent load more joyfully? Flexibility. Embracing imperfection. Putting the focus on maintaining and improving relationships with those dearest to you, and being intentional in where you put your time and money. These strategies aren’t unique only to parents, but employing them could help make the parenting journey that much more enjoyable.
Feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of parenting? Consider booking a couples therapy session to strengthen your partnership in parenting. For personalized support and guidance, explore our family therapy services to help manage the complexities of family dynamics.
