Being An Effective Parent Involves Failing - Thanks Armchair Expert!
By: Dr. Samantha Waxman
Tonight I listened to a podcast about the importance of failure as I huffed and puffed while trying to get my tired body to run for 30 minutes. I really dislike running - my lungs hurt, my body hurts, and I’m really slow. Every spring, I restart a Couch to 5K program because I have decided that running is the most beneficial/least costly physical activity I can do (e.g., it’s free, doesn’t take much time, you don’t need any special equipment). Here is the thing though, I don’t like running and I’m not good at it. In fact, my husband recently told me that it looks like I move up and down (like a bunny) instead of in the forward direction (which might explain why I’m so slow).
I’ve also recently gotten into podcasts. Social media and the world of tech as a whole freaks me out. I’m a luddite (says my husband). So tonight, I got to combine my “love” of technology with my “love” of running.
Tonight’s podcast was from Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard. I have grown a solid appreciation for Dax and his insights over these eight weeks of running. Tonight’s episode was with Tal Ben-Shahar who researches, teaches, and writes about positive psychology. They spoke for almost two hours on the importance of failure as a means to build resilience, and the need to ritualize positive behaviours as a way to feel happier.
The information in this podcast was so salient to my own life and the work that I do with perinatal clients that I came home and re-listened while taking copious notes. Here are the points that really jumped out at me:
Physical exercise is the best predictor of happiness and can have the same effect on our mental health as the most powerful psychiatric drugs (another reason for me to keep running!).
By working on our happiness, we are strengthening our psychological immune systems so that when we feel painful emotions, we will recover more quickly. (Prenatal & Postpartum Therapy can provide additional support in developing these habits.)
Smart phone use has been significantly linked to increases in depression and suicide. Technology is an addiction and activates the same neural structures in the brain as other addictive substances. (Tal shared a beautiful illustration of the problem - “what’s the first thing you turn to when you wake up in the morning? Is it your amazing spouse or your cell phone?”)
You need to give yourself permission to fail. Even geniuses fail. In fact, as Tal points out, Thomas Edison is considered to be the greatest inventor of all time, but he also had the most failures.
We can’t rid ourselves of experiencing painful emotions. The only people who don’t experience these are psychopaths and dead people (ha!). Instead, we need to cultivate more positive emotions so that we can deal with painful emotions better. This allows us to build up our resilience bank.
Happiness isn’t just about thinking positively. It takes work. Hard work. You have to try and fail, and then try some more. Each attempt reinforces the neural pathways in your brain, until it’s eventually embedded. As an example of ritualizing positive behaviours, Tal explains that most people fail at new years resolutions because they assume that they require motivation and willpower to keep it going. Most of us, though, learn by engaging in gradual, ritualized behaviours. Here’s my personal example: about 7 years ago, I decided my new years resolution would be to start flossing (might explain why I’ve always had a million cavities). Guess what, it didn’t stick. For the next 5 years, I would set the same resolution, and every year I would make it a few months longer than the previous year, but then I would stop. Two years ago, it finally stuck and became a ritualized behaviour. I am proud to say that I am a daily flosser and haven’t had a cavity since!
Tal and Dax’s message of giving yourself permission to suck is what inspired me to write this blog. I’m used to writing academic papers, which have a clear structure to follow. I know what to do, and I’ve done it well. Blog entries, on the other hand, scare the bejeebers out of me. I’m in awe of what people produce online, and frightened of the negativity that can follow these posts. Listening to Tal and Dax’s discussion helped me realize that I need to write (because I love writing) and it can be terrible and it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I try so that I can fail, and then I can try again.
I see the ideas from this podcast relating so strongly to parenting. When we first become parents we have no idea what we are doing. But for many of us, we expect that we should know and we should be able to do it perfectly. There are times that I look back at my first few years of parenting and cringe at how I thought things should be handled. But that was important. If I hadn’t tried those strategies, I wouldn’t have been able to figure out what works for me and what works for my kids (although let’s be honest - I’m still trying to figure it out). I’ve witnessed first hand the importance of teaching failure as a means to developing resilience in my daughter. She is the kind of kid who can’t stand not being able to do what she sees other kids doing. Enter the Monkey Bars. Four months ago, Olivia tried to do the monkey bars and fell immediately. She cried, and got angry, and didn't want to try again. Her dad and I encouraged her to keep trying. She fell many times, but always got back on those bars. Over the next four months, she made it further and further across those bars until a few weeks ago she was able to swing one arm at a time all the way until the end. The smile on her face almost made me cry with pride. She ran over and said “Mommy, I couldn’t do the bars, but then I kept practicing, and now I'm amazing at it”. You sure are kid, and not just at the monkey bars!
So here are my final takeaways:
Exercise, especially on maternity leave.
Put the phone down every once in a while.
Make eye contact with people. Hug. Feel connected.
Embrace all emotions, even the not so fun ones.
Practice gratitude regularly. Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way of doing this (https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/gratitude_journal)
Try, fail, try again, repeat.
For those interested in hearing the whole podcast, here is the link:
